Im Just Jealous of the Angels
by HMbookqueen
Summary: Jessica Bird has received the worst news, after running away from it fate turns it in to a tragedy for her. as she makes the ten thousand mile journey from wales back to Australia she is remembering the past.
1. Chapter 1

**Ok, I am sorry to do this, but I feel I had no choice, and the title comes from the last album of my favourite singer. The Song that shares the title with my fic was written by a woman after the death of her father but it is for anyone who has lost someone close to them. Please listen to the song (Katherine Jenkins's version). Please leave a review (But don't kill me in them for what happens). **

Jessica bird sat on a bench overlooking the headland. She had travelled to England for a much-needed holiday. She had spent the last year training to be a navy medic. Now she just needed to relax. She walked over the cliffs that looked out on to the Irish sea. Sitting on the bench that overlook the Bay, she pulled her coat tighter around her and closed her eyes. She loved the sound of the waves crashing on the rocks. Remembering back to the day she ran away a week ago, running from her feelings and the news about Dutchy. She needed space and felt that ten thousand miles would cover it. Pulling out her phone she saw the number of messages from her friends all of whom were concerned about her. opening her messenger app, she touched Kates Profile and started to type the message.

"Hi Kate, I'm fine. I am in wales. I needed some space, and time to think. I just couldn't face another service like the one held for swain. I know Dutchy's fine, but I did not want to be there if anything worse happened to him. Let me know how he is." pressing send she put the phone back in to her pocket and continued on her walk, before deciding to go and find a hot chocolate. taking one final look out over the Irish sea. "jess," looking around she could see she was the only one on the cliff top. it must have been her imagination or the wind, but she could swear the voice was that of dutchy. Shaking her head, she walked back along the path towards the café she spotted on the start of her walk. Ordering a hot chocolate, she sat down and pulled her phone out of her pocket. A message popped up from Kate, "Glad you're ok. Dylan is doing fine; he is still in a coma but the doctors are confident that he will make a full recovery. let me know when you are going to be coming home. And stay safe. X" putting her phone back in to her bag, jess thanked the waiter as they placed her drink on to the table. Taking a big sip, she savoured the sweet chocolatey taste.

Sitting in the chair in her room she had booked in to, jess pulled her legs up and tucked them under her. Opening her book to the page she finished on and began reading her book. She was half way through a chapter when her laptop buzzed alerting her to a video call. Putting her book mark in to the book, she put it on to the table next to her and opened the video chat. She could tell instantly that something was not quite right. Kate was in the frame but her eyes were red, like she had been crying. "jess, I need to tell you something. Its Dylan, he has taken a turn for the worst, they don't know how long he has. I'm sorry Jess, but he is not going to make it," she said, Tears running down her cheeks. Jess, tried to take in the news. "if you want to say goodbye jess, you need to get on a flight like now, once you know your plans message me or any of the crew. And jess I'm sorry. I know the two of you were close." after Kate ended the video call, jess just stared at the blank screen for what seemed an age, before opening her internet browser and looked for flights back home. Finding one for early the next morning. Grabbing her phone, she phoned the airline to transfer on to that flight instead of the one she had booked for a month later. shoving the rest of her clothes in to her case she thought back to the last time she saw dutchy. It was the day before he left for the gulf, she was stood on the quay watching ship leave praying he would come home safe. Come back to her. She remembered the night they spent together before that morning. She had woken up resting on his chest, his arms wrapped around her waist holding her to him. Tears had started to fall down her cheeks, and she prayed that he would survive long enough for her to say goodbye.


	2. Chapter 2

Jess sat on the aeroplane, looking out of the window. She had been in the air for nearly 16 hours. Closing her eyes, she drifted off to sleep. Dreaming about their last night together four months previously and how he refused to say goodbye to her. She was stood in her kitchen washing up. She was trying not to cry as; it was the last night she would see dutchy in six months. "jess, I will be fine. It's only six months." Dylan said passing her a glass. "I know but..." she said as he cut her off with a kiss and pulled her close to him, and wrapped his arms around her. "shhh, let's just enjoy tonight." he said brushing her hair from her shoulder, and placed a kiss on her neck. Picking her up he carried her in to her bedroom. Gently laying her down on the bed, he placed a kiss on her lips before moving down her neck and on to her shoulder. Reaching up jess, brushed her hand over his cheek leaning up to kiss him. He started to undo the buttons on her shirt, and pushed it out of his way. "jess, you're so beautiful," he whispered in to her ear before placing kisses down her neck. Reaching up, jess traced the scar on his arm with her finger. "Stay with me" she said, looking up at him, doe eyed and pleading. "I will be with you forever and always," he said "stay there, I have something for you," he added getting up and walking out of the room. He was gone a matter of minutes, he returned holding a small velvet box. Opening it, he took out the ring with a single aquamarine stone flanked by smaller diamonds that had been nestled inside, turning to jess he said "Jess, I love you more than words can say, I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to grow old next to you. Marry me and I will give the world" sliding the ring on to her finger he placed a kiss over the ring. Jess could only nod her head "for once your speechless," Dylan said laughing "ouch," he added after jess hit him. "right, you asked for it," he said gently grabbing jess and pushing her back on the bed pinning her there, placing passionate kisses down her neck and down her body.

Jess woke to the sun streaming through the windows. Dutchy was still asleep next to her, his arms pulling her close to him. the sun reflected of the ring that was on her left ring finger. Raising her hand slightly, she started to admire the ring. "not having second thoughts," a voice brought her back. "never," she said pushing herself up on her elbow and placing a kiss on to his lips. "what time do you have to be at the ship?" she asked putting her head back on to his chest, her fingers tracing patterns in the hair. "1200hrs," he replied grabbing her wrists and gently rolling on top of her.

Walking to the quay side, jess wrapped her arms around Dylan's waist and lent in to him as they walked towards the ship. As they reached the point where they were to be parted, jess stood on her tiptoes and kissed him first softly then with more force she said her goodbyes to him before turning to go and stand with the rest of the ship's crews loved ones. As the ship pulled out of the naval base aided by a couple of the smaller boats in the fleet jess looked up to the heavens and sent a silent prayer to keep dutchy safe.

Jess woke up as an air stewardess tapped her on her arm. "excuse me ma'am, we are about descending in to Sydney, could you put your seatbelt on and return the seat to the upright position," jess sat up and stretched her arms, her eyes catching a glimmer of her ring. bringing it up to her lips she placed a kiss on to it, closed her eyes and whispered "hold on, I'm coming,"

getting of the plane, jess walked through the border and customs as quickly as she could and made her way out of the airport. the late afternoon sun low in the sky. Pulling her phone out of her bag she opened her phone book and scrolled down to Kates name and pressed the call Button. it rang out twice before she answered. "jess, where are you?"

"Sydney, i just got off the plane. Which hospital is he in?" jess answered

"he's at the Base hospital in Cairns," kate replied " we are taking it in turns to sit with him. He is holding on," she added

jess said goodbye and made her way back in to the airport and to one of the many sales desks and got a flight to cairns. Checking in to the flight she made her way to the domestic departures and waited.

Arriving in carnes, jess hailed a taxi and asked to be taken straight to the hospital. The taxi had barely stopped as she thrust a handful of notes to the driver, grabbed her case out of the back and ran to the hospital. As she made it through the door, she saw the doctor speak to Kate and the rest of the crew. walking towards them she spoke "Is he...?" she had barley finished when Kate turned and said "Jess, im so sorry," rushing forward to catch jess as she crumpled in to a heap sobbing her "please no, i have to see him," she said pushing Kate away from her and ran down the corridor. stopping outside a room she saw the medical staff removing the tubes and wires from dutchy's body and pull the sheet up and over his head. Then everything turned black.


	3. Chapter 3

Jess came around almost instantly. Beside her Kate wrapped her arms around the young woman and pulled her in to a hug. pulling something from her pocket Kate placed it in to jess's hands, and used some tissue to wipe the tears that just kept falling down they young girls face. "shhh, jess. Come on, I'll take you home," looking in to her hands, jess saw that they were Dylan's dog tags. She slipped them over her neck and put them with her own. "why, why did he leave me?" she asked through the tears. Wrapping her arms around jess once again, and hugged her. Gently, pulling her to her feet, Kate helped jess walk out of the hospital and to her car. "you can stay at mine, the spare room is made up," Kate said  
"no, I'll go back to mine," jess replied.  
"jess, I insist. You should not be on your own. And me and mike would love to have you," Kate insisted as she drove the short distance to her house.

Mike passed Kate a glass of wine as she sat down. "how's jess?" he asked.  
"Asleep. I think she was so tired from crying that sleep just took over. She said that before he left, he proposed to her. She so young." Kate sighed, taking a sip from the glass. Mike walked over to the desk that sat in the corner of the room and pulled out an envelope. And passed the letter to Kate for her to read. "He sent me this a few weeks ago. With this," He passed her a second closed envelope that was addressed to jess. Kate put the letter down, and took the second envelope. "I'll give it to her in the morning. We need to let her sleep for now," Kate said standing up and placed a kiss on mikes lips. Wrapping his arms around her Mike pulled Kate in to a hug and kissed the top of her head.

Jess, although asleep, was restless. She was taken back to the first time she had set eyes on Dylan. She had just started her Gap year with in the navy. She was stood on the deck of HMAS Hammersley. They were on a protection detail for HMAS Newcastle, and the American ambassador. Dutchy was on the deck, receiving a medal for gallantry. she was nudged in the side by bomber, who pointed him out. Even through the binos she was holding, even from a distance he took her heart, but did not know it. Her mind flashed forward to the day when he joined HMAS Hammersley, she was asked to show him to his quarters. "I always wanted to meet a real-life hero," she said as they made their way over the gangplank. "same here," he said flashing her a smile that made her go weak at the knees. Her mind took her further in time to the party held by the US ambassador, where she was talking to Kate and Bomber, about Dutchy, "seems like dutchy is fitting in quite well," Kate remarked following bird's eyes over to where he was standing with charge and swain. "yeah, he seems easy going," bomber said. "not to mention, he's pretty hot as well," She remarked as bomber chuckled Kate turned to her "i take it you gap seamanship course filled you in on all the regulations?"  
"X. I know all about the "no snogging you shipmate" rule, but the is not one saying I can't check them out," Kate looked over to bomber who shrugged her sholders before answering the young seaman "no the is no law against that,"

Jess woke up, she let out a sob. The door to her room opened and Kate walked in and rushed over to the bed. Sitting on the side of the bed, Kate pulled her in to a hug. "shhh," she said brushing jess's hair out of her face. "we- were- going – to –get-married," jess said through sobs. "i know. He wrote to Mike, letting him know," Kate told her.  
"When?" jess sniffed  
"I don't exactly know, Mike showed me the letter last night, He thought a great deal about you. He asked mike to find out your parents address so he could ask them if he could marry you," Jess looked puzzled and then remembered "He disappeared a week before he left, he said he was going to see his parents, but now I guess he went to see mine," she said twisting the ring around her finger. closing her eyes, jess fell back to sleep. Kate sat in the room for a bit longer before leaving and making her way back to her bed and curled up next to mike. Through the wall she could hear jess, knowing that she was asleep, Kate rolled over and rested her head on to mikes chest, silent tears falling down her face. Tears for jess who was so young to lose the love of her life. And tears, for herself, as she lost someone like a brother. Someone who was her brother. His death had ripped a hole in to the chasm of the crew. Even after two years those who served on Hammersley still kept touch. Jess had friends around her who would be there to hold her up, support her and love her unconditionally


	4. Chapter 4

Jess sat in her flat, vacantly starting at the wall. It was like she couldn't process the news. Like she was dreaming, any minute she would wake up and dutchy would walk through the door, sweep her off her feet and kiss her, hold her love her. Picking up the envelope Kate had brought round earlier she finally plucked up the courage opened it. It had been sat on the side for most of the day, calling out to her. Reading the letter tears spilled over her eyes. It was like she could hear his voice reading the words to her.

_My dearest Jess,_  
_I hope you never have to read this. But if you are then I am no longer with you. _  
_I want you to know that I love you unconditionally and I always will. Please don't be sad. You are far too young and beautiful to spend your life pining after me. Promise me you will go out and live your life to its fullest. Be the best person you can be. Reach for the stars and achieve your goals. I will never leave you I will stand by your side; I will be in the wind that is blowing on a summer day. I will be in the rain that falls in a storm at sea. I will be in your heart forever and always be your hero and you will be mine, but make room for someone else. I will be waiting for you chicken legs. But take your time. _

_Love always _  
_Dutchy. _

Jess, sat there and sobbed, until she had no more energy, she walked in to her room and curled up on her bed. The pillows still faintly smelled like him, pulling one close to her and held it tight to her chest and inhaled. Grief stricken she fell in to restless slumber. Her mind flashed back to when they were are on R&R and he wouldn't let her have a cocktail, as she was underage, protesting that he and the rest of the crew were spoiling her fun. The dream oved forward, she was sat in the junior sailor's mess. "heya, long face, you coping all right?" he asked pouring out her fears she told him "I just can't help thinking about the body in the garbage room. Now the X is missing what if-" he cut her off telling her not to imagining the worst. "that imagination will get the better of you every time,"  
"So what do you suggest i do?" she said her voice no louder than a whisper.  
"well focus on what you know,"  
"all I know is that the X is out there with murdering kidnapers and we have lost all commination with her, "  
"true but what you are forgetting, is that the x is smart, tough and we are doing all we can to find her," he said  
looking up at him she said "you are a glass half full kinda person arnt you?" puling her in to a hug to give her some comfort he said "tis the only way to be" placing a kiss on to her forehead. she smiled "there's a smile,"

"thanks, Dutchy," she said pushing him away. "come on chicken legs, the is work to be done," he said pulling her to her feet.

Tossing in the bed jess woke with a start. Reaching over to the other side of the bed to feel for him, she could only feel the empty space. Getting out of the bed she walked over to the window and looked out at the starry sky. "why did you leave me?" she asked "WHY?" she screamed at them. Turning back to face the room she. Ran over to her dressing table, and in one swift movement knocked everything off. Blinking back tears she saw that the perfume bottle that was on there had smashed and the liquid had started to seep over a photo of her and dutchy. "no no no," she said grabbing the photo, cutting herself in the process. The photo started to disintegrate on her hands. Looking down at what was once a photo jess started to sob even more. She did not hear the door open and someone walking over to her. "shh jess, it ok," the voice said  
"No its not, I have lost him, he's never coming back is he?" jess asked. 


	5. Chapter 5

**HI, I hope everyone is staying safe, hear in the Uk we are nearing the end of the third week in lockdown with it set to continue for at least another month. I also want to apologise for not adding anymore to this in some time I just did not know how to continue and now being in lockdown it has given me the chance to write more. To all my readers please stay at home and read any of my other stories, by doing this you can save lives. Love HMbookqueen. **

Jess sat in the bathroom, staring down at the white stick in her hands. Closing her eyes, she walked out of the bathroom and chucked the stick in to the drawer on her dressing table. She couldn't face her fate. She quickly pulled on her number one dress uniform, looking in to her mirror, she let out a sob, and looked down to the ring that still was on her left ring finger. She hated how she would not be able to grieve propply for dutchy. She doubted he had told his parents about her or their engagement. Having to sit with the rest of the crew at the back, jess could hide or at least run if it all got too much for, her. After checking her reflection for a final time, she walked in to her living room, and picked up her phone and called Kate.  
"Kate, I need to talk to you, I don't think I can do it today, I can't put the hat on the coffin," "Jess I'll come over, talk everything through, we will support you," Kate told her before hanging up. Jess put the phone down, and walked over to her sofa, and closed her eyes. Going back to the first time she almost lost Dylan.

Jess was stood on the deck of Hammersley, pointing a rifle out to sea. Herself and the rest of the junior sailors were on a training exercise. Dutchy gave the order for them to fire a round off. The power of the gun sent jess staggering backwards, and the gun upwards.  
"stop firing" Dutchy said walking over to her and taking the gun from her hands.  
"I'm so sorry Dutchy, I - I -" she said  
"hate guns, Yeah well unfortunately your part of the defence force so you kind of have to know how to use one," Looking sheepishly at him she turned her head so not to face him. A short time later they were on the foredeck practicing hand to hand combat, Jess kind of enjoyed seeing her male collages getting annilohated by dutchy. Then came her turn. Explaining slowly to her, what he wanted her to do, jess copied them. "Now just grab my shoulder," as she did this she slipped and twisted so she was underneath him "you all right?" he asked as he pulled her back on to her feet. "yeah," she said hoping her cheeks would not give her away. "why don't you go an sit down" he said gently pushing towards the others. As she sat down, dutchy started to push her towards the side of the ship. Resting her head in her hands jess tried to hide her embarrassment.

Jess's mind flashed forwards to the island and seeing a man who from behind looked like dutchy. The mad men who had tied him up were pointing a cross bow at him and let lose a arrow which hit the man right in the heart. She had to almost shove her fist in to her mouth to stop herself screaming. Her mind bringing her back to the present, jess opened the door. Seeing Kate there she fell in to the other women's arms and sobbed. Her mind then flashed to the ship, the evening after they had left the island. Dutchy had asked to see her in the ward room. Walking in she closed the door. Keeping her head low so that he could not see her eyes were rimed red. "hey," she said her voice barely louder than a whisper.  
"i am proud of you bird, you saved us," dutchy said  
"I have never felt so scared in all my life," she replied  
"and that's what makes what you did even braver, you should be proud of what you did," he comes back at her smiling at her.  
smiling back at him she said "i still hate guns" before walking out of the ward room. She could hear him laughing.

Jess wiped her eyes and quickly walked in to her bathroom and splashed water on to her face and reapplied the minimalistic make-up that has smudged. Walking back into the living room she looked at herself, one more time in the mirror. "ready?" Kate asked her,  
"I think so," jess replied picking up the pack of pocket tissues and putting them in to her pocket. Before following Kate out to the car. Getting in to the front seat jess noticed a white box on the back seat. Recognising the hat box as one issued to hold the caps in jess turned as white as the box, "ah, jess, Commander white wants you to walk in and place the hat on to the coffin, Mike did try and tell her you would not be up to it, but she insisted. We will be right behind you," Kate said as she started the car and headed towards the church. "I'll do it, it's the last thing I can do for him," jess said looking straight ahead, a vacant expression on her face. Kate reached over and placed her hand over the young sailor's hand offering a little sign of comfort.

Waiting outside the church Kate called the crew to attention as the hearse slowly drove up towards them. Stepping forwards Mike, RO, two-dads and charge carefully lifted the coffin draped in the navy ensign on to their sholders and slowly walked in to the church followed by jess carrying the hat. Placing it on to the top of the coffin jess's hand lingered in the place where his cheek would be. Walking to her seat, jess sat down and just stared in front of her the voice the minster fading out, tears streaming silently down her face. she watched as mike and charge walked up to the coffin removed the cap and medals and passed them to his parents before lifting the ensign up and folding it before passing that to his parents.

As they all stood by the graveside, jess could not look as the coffin was lowered in to the ground. Turning she ran from the grave and ran not daring to look back.


End file.
